Friday, July 2, 2010

It Happens Only In India

Is there anything good about this country?

We all must have heard this question many a times in our lives from countless people & it may have triggered a lot many other questions in our minds, now lets be hard core optimists and look at the brighter side of the coin.

Paav Bhaaji, Aloo Poori, Paani Poori, Paranthas, Usal Paav, Dahi Wada, Idli Sambar, Samosaas, Foofa, Amma, Akka, Anna, Taauji, Baauji, Chachaji, Chachiji, Mama Bhaanja, Jeeja Sali, Mausa Mausi, Bibiji, Lalaji, Auntyji, Uncle Ji, Sethji, Beta Beti, Padpota Padpoti, Bhatiza Bhanja, Chaudhary Sahab, Iyyer Sahab, Sardar Ji, Keshto Bhai, Dhirubhai, Tommy, Lovely, Khan Sahab, Sardarji well… the list is endless..where else in the name of Jesus Christ can you find such a fantastic mix & remix of a cultural chutney served along with a rare ethnic curry? Nowhere else but in India a Tonga, Taxi, Rickshaw, Cow, Mercedes Benz, Dog, Bullock Cart & a humble pig share the same road space & still manage to ply on the same highway as smoothly & harmoniously like a Bach symphony. Where else can you witness such an extreme examples of modern day technology & stone aged essentials?

Despite of boasting itself as a biggest democratic nation, America is decades behind us, India on the other hand is a true democratic nation where you can do almost anything. Feeling uncomfortable?? Go ahead, open your fly & start spraying & splattering the unholy waters of the human variety on the road or behind your envious neighbors wall, no one will bat an eyelid, except for the envious neighbors wife who secretly keeps a watch on your everyday ritual from the window above that wall, where you religiously pee everyday. The precise size of your manhood is on her finger tips, courtesy the daily darshan.

Wish to try modern art? Have a juicy paan @ Rs. 5 & bring out the Michael Angelo in you by spraying all over the walls. A closer look at walls of staircases of offices & markets in U.P. & Bihar will reveal that people can spit as far as double the distance of their heights, thank god Spiderman doesn’t eats paan or else Americans would've to float a global tender to clean the walls of their streets & buildings.

Certain other things are right & wrong by default in India. If you own a truck & if your truck bangs into a car than the fault is yours, If you own a car & if your car bangs into a bike, than the fault is yours, if you own a bike and if your bike bangs into a cycle than the fault is yours, in India whosoever owns an inferior vehicle than yours is at the receiving end. The cops won’t even look at the poor cyclist who is groaning, leave alone call an ambulance , they will eventually come and knock on your door with a cynical smile showing a perfect paan stained 32 stones & expect a hefty pile of Gandhiji endorsed currency notes

We are a true democratic nation where we can say anything about anyone (except god). We are global rebels who love to defy things. Of course our government have made laws to project to the world that we are not a rogue nation, but its just an eye wash. Which is why, most of our vehicles are parked right in front of the “No Parking” signs, A dhaba where “No drinks allowed” sign actually means “ have a ball, but buy my chicken” here a judge gives a wrong verdict right under the portrait of Mahatma Gandhi with “Satyamev Jayate” inscribed all over it.

Who says India is a third world country? This a false propaganda spread by Pakistan to discourage the multinationals from further investing their monies here. No one but Pakistan can do that. I will tell you a secret, If you want to get rid of your envious neighbor, just make a bomb out of a rope and firecrackers & tell cops he is a terrorist from Pakistan, just demolish the shopping mall of your business rival & blame it on Pakistan, Kill a politician, start a communal riot, divert public attention from your criminal cases by bombing a train and then blame it all on Pakistan. Do any damn thing but make sure its Pakistan who gets blamed and you will be seen as a true patriot. A true Hindustani. That’s another thing that people living there were our own people once upon a time, but hell, blame it on Pakistan. It may be a staged event initiated by a shrewed politician after buying the media. but since media is the only source for the common folks, all is taken well with a pinch of salt & a swig of IMFL quart.

In India, one can never feel bored. You know why all these “Firangi” white skinned tourists come here for? What do you think they come here to see Taj Mahal or Qutab Minaar? Hell no, they have better and clean monuments out there in their own countries. They come here because there is no action in the west. Cold War fizzled out decades ago, China is silent, Afghanistan is limp, They are sick of finding Osama Bin Laden who was the sole source of their action, Rambo & Arnold retired long ago, James bond only comes once in a year. They are sick of watching blood, gore, bomb blasts in the movies so they head for India where the real action is. They come here to get raped, (whatta feeling !) Get sexually harassed (Wow) escape a bomb blast, get mugged by the guides and auto rickshaw wallas. The efficient cops in their countries deprive them of these pleasures, where in India, the cops look the other way after taking a long drag from their beedis.

In India the moment you start feeling the pangs of boredom, that “touch me not make-up less, salwar kurta" clad daughter of Mrs Verma will elope with that “Bidi Smoking, Oil Smelling, Gutka Eating” Son of neighborhood Gupta Lala & for weeks the neighborhood aunties will keep the gossip columns hot. Atleast 12 times in a year you will witness the battle between a rioting mob & the cops, A temple will be destroyed, a mosque will be demolished, a pigeon shit covered statue of a gas bag politician will be beheaded followed by looting, burning of shops & public property. There will be bomb blasts, rapes, murders, payoff deals, MMS scandals, Kidnappings, Natural Accidents, Man Made accidents, Sex scandals of god men etc. Some real action you see.

We Indians have a whacky sense of humor, which is so subtle & indirect. We make songs like “Choli ke Peechey Kya Hai” “ Aaj Saiyaan Ne Danda Mara” "Hai Re Daiyaa Mere Do Kabootar" or "Saali Pe Chori Pichkaari" just to remind the world that we too have a sense of humor. Otherwise don’t we know what’s behind a “Choli” or What’s a “Danda” of a saiyaan? Cmon people we aint so dumb, we just pretend to be one. After all we were the ones who invented the Kamasutra. There are other reasons to feel happy living in this country. Take for instance our survival of the fittest image amongst the global community. Ask any Mai Ka Laal Gora to have a sip of our tapwater & he is guaranteed to make 1000 trips to the loo (if he is lucky).. on the other hand we are infamous for combating every bacteria & viruses of this world. AIDS will die a sad death in India (the growing population is proof enough).

Our sense of humor is a living legend. Look at the way we laugh when we see poor canines making love on the road, we laugh more when we beat them with sticks in order to unlock them, thats another thing that our children do know what we do in bed during night when we make noises enough to subside the sound of a dinosaurs fart, but we ensure to switch to a different channel when we see our children watching two frogs mate on Nat Geo. We laugh when our taps fart instead of piddling chlorinated water with insects who have long ago conquered chlorine. Don't believe this?? alright. Just stand in the middle of a road & scream aloud "Please Stop Pollution" "Please Save Oil & Environment". & see how many people will show you their perfect sets of paan masaala stained thousands of 32's.

Guinness book of world records perhaps should open an office in India in order to get uninterrupted content for its operations. Many of its records will seem like a peanut compared to the Indian standards of human endurance. An average unadulterated Indian can live for hours or perhaps for a week without electricity, can carry himself & his overweight wife along with his 3 kids on his forever misfiring, without brake pads 15 year old battered 50cc moped (And still manage to reach home in one single piece from the killer traffic). can write a 2000 word long sms while washing ass in the loo, can talk for hours on a mobile without even bothering to know who the f$@$$@k is on the other side as long as he is promised big boobs & small brains.

While the people of the world despise traffic jams, Indians have learnt to make them productive, an Indian will make 100 calls while stuck in a jam & will put the best line printer in the world to shame by giving a verbal garbled print out @ 50000 words/min & before a traffic cop reaches to his door he will be through with most of the tasks. Many a love stories are surviving in India due to traffic jams.

Can any Tom, Dick, Harry or Ping Pong do that? Ask any gora firangi who is worth his hamburger to change 10 DTC buses in an hour or stand in a Que to obtain train tickets or watch Doordarshan for an hour or overtake a bus without getting a fine spray of betel juice on his well ironed shirt. He may achieve this feat & beat his chest, but its a daily grind for us, so no doughnuts for him.

India is a land of opportunities. Silicon valley my foot, you don't require multi billion USD investments to set up shop here. No Product/Project managers, no brand building, no warehousing's, no R&D centers. One just need to learn few words, phrases & quotations from the holy books to overnight transform into a swami and kaboom.......You have a global enterprise with followers in millions. If you are a smart alec, you can always form a team to manage your PR & its a job well done. A sex scandal here & there will keep you rolling but who said god hates sex? In India, everyone forgets & forgives after sometime. which is why we ignore terrorists while they continue pushing umbrellas deep down our asses (& sometimes open them too with all their might)

The other stream to make big moolah is politics. The bigger a charge or history sheeter you are the brighter you have the chances of hitting a jackpot. Its okay if you are a beginner, you will meet many a smugglers, killers, molesters, rapists, kidnappers, dacoits all under one roof decorated with a proud tricolor. You will be caught someday with your pants down through a sting operation by a media who wants to settle old scores, but then the next day the terrorists from pakistan will come to your rescue, kill few hundreds & bury your bruised reputation along with your sperm soiled underwear with tonnes of newsprint. As i said, in india, all is forgotten and forgiven soon & you will soon be seen on the same streets waving hands to people who do not actually matter.

Have you ever thought that despite of eating urea infested food, why we still remain young & healthy? Actually its all in the mind. Every Indian who is worth his iodized salt remains alert all the time. He will be alert from colliding with a pig who decides to become Usain Bolt & sprint across the road on a national highway , He will be always alert of falling into a 4 meter deep trench which was never there on the road when he went to the office in the morning, He will always be alert from the local cops who suddenly decide to go for a licence checking spree. An average indians grey cells never die because his thinking process never stops. He continuously think about his envious neighbor and his not so envious wife, he continuously think about rising prices, his mind works overtime thinking about his boss, his girlfriend, his religion, his children & his wife. Is there any chance of anyone getting older in a situation such as this?

India is a land where you get almost anything free. Wanna have hooch? get inside any bar or a pub, strike a conversation with a stranger, listen to that man & his worries. Just be patient with him for few minutes & a free drink will appear on your table. You may well get drenched with the emotional puke that follows but what the heck, you got your free drinks. right? Besides drink, you also get free advices here, ask anyone about his advice & you will get info@ of 200 lines/min. Want to know who is the heart throb of the girl next door or where Colonel Malik goes in the evening? have a cuppa at the neighborhood chaiwala stall or toss a coin to have a paan at the Bhaiyya Paan Bhandar & you will know it all. In the west, you will need to hire a detective agency to do that but here the mighty Paan & Chaiwala bhaiyaa will come to your rescue. Its rumored that Sherlock Holmes & 007 learnt covert tactics frequenting these joints but lets not talk about it, walls have ears you see.

India is a land of love. Love lessons can be learnt free even on the open roads here. Show me a girl who is not walking on the streets without a mobile cosily glued to her ears . what do you think, is she discussing the anatomy of an orangutan with her biology tuition mates? hell no, most likely she's discussing her own & its not her class mate but err.. her "you know what". In India desperate requests of getting her a mobile phone are harshly turned down by parents of the girl, but is that the end? its a beginning actually. A compact mobile soon find its way inside the warm environs of a girls bra (Courtesy a hormone driven boyfriend) & since its mostly on a silent mode, the poor pa never smells a rat.

Telecom operators know which side of the cake is sweeter hence night calling tariffs are marketed through well oiled aggressive ad campaigns showing a couple with betel leaves in their eyes. So while the Pa is dreaming of stock market, the not so tiny babe is busy sending text like a pro pretending to be asleep under a warm quilt. Love is loud in India. You may still see Auto's, Trucks, Tempo's & Buses with signs & graffiti in the rear declaring their undying love "I LOVE RUKHSANA" "HAI MERI JAAN" "MERE YAAR DI GADDI" "SONU MONU DE PAPA DI GADDI" Just departed from their mate souls can find solace in heart wrenching Shero Shairi which again is found at the rear of Auto's Trucks & Buses. An arrow pierced heart with dripping blood followed by a smoke emitting Sher is a common sight on most of auto's and trucks rear end.

Actually its a custom to drive a Truck, Auto or a Bus in India when you fail to unite with the lover of your choice, which is the reason why most of these poor heart broken fellas reach out & share their sorrows with fellow indians by painting Shero Shairi on their vehicles. But we have some happy endings too. Those who are successful & have happy families share it with the world by painting "Chunnu Munnu Ke Papa Ki Gaddi" "Salma Ki Sawari" " Mere Yaar Di Gaddi" "Matarani Ka Ashirwad". Now where else in the world can you share your oh so private love story with millions of people?

We boast of being the only nation who claim to teach correct Victorian English to the same Britishers who taught us the same & yet we love our desi language. Actually its a tad too boring to express in English. A gora in love with a gori can only say "I Love You" how boring. "Main Tumse Bahut Pyaar Karta Hu" "Mai Tumse Mohabbat Karta Hu" "Mai Tainu Pyaar Karda Haan" "Naan Unnai Kadlikiren" " Tumi Amako Bhalo Bachi" "Mai Tumpar Marta/Kurbaan/Fida/Jaan Deta/Nyochaawar Hu" " Mai Tumhare Pyaar Mein Paagal/Andha/Deewana/Majnu ho gaya hu, ohh the list is endless...

The Phirangis boasts of just a single love story, Romeo & Juliet. Our Mohallas, Colonies, Societies & Chawls have millions of them. The parents of Vilayati Juliet were morons. In India the parents of a Desi Juliet leave no stone unturned to give the love story an ultimate climax, which includes locking the desi juliet in a room, breaking every bone of the Romeo in question & in extreme cases also his parents. But hail the followers of lord krishna, nanak, raheem & yeeshu, it all ends well with a happy note of local brass band & a crowd doing Nagin Dance. The tougher cases however take sometime when Juliet after a long period of elopement returns home with a baby in hand & all differences are washed down with a couple of drinks between the two families. A happy ending you see. Ever wondered why Indian parents do this? Well they do this for a simple reason, we Indians love ACTION in capital letters, inverted commas, underlined & bold. So , the next time you go & ask for the hand of your desi juliet from her father, give that poor fella his due. Give him some action in life which is his birth right & you will be rewarded not only with his daughters hand but a handful of goodies too.

Enough about love. now lets talk hate fellas. Kick a Phorener in the rear and all he would be able to mutter will be "BASTARD" "SONOFA BITCH" "MOTHER F#$%$ER" "Dickhead" & so on.. but wait.... Kick a fellow Indian at the very same precise target & what will come out of his onion smelling mouth will make the oxford gurus stand up and take notice.That brief but vicious burst of obscene staccato will compel an AK 57's firing pin to hang its head in shame. No member of your family will be spared & if the kick was powerful enough, even the late mother of your grand mother will start hiccuping in the heavens. The physical as well as technical specifications of human sexual organs will be so sophisticatedly described, that design gurus of engineering shall be forced to redefine their theories.

As i said, we just love our language, No Indian will be internally satisfied unless he uses the "Maa" "Behan" expletives. The argument may begin with a polite "sonofagun" "mother fu%%&^%$r" " bastard" but will eventually graduate to a "Teri Maa Ki $%%$#" "Teri Behan Ki%$$#$" "Saley G^%^$d Maar Dunga" " Ga^%$##d Phaad Dunga" "Teri Maa Behan C%$%$# Doonga"...... & the moment these divine words are uttered... the atmosphere suddenly turns tranquil & the sound of a sitaar could be heard in the background, the air becomes refreshing. a crowd immediately appears out from nowhere like Naradji in religious flicks & pull the two opponents apart & peace prevails after a few minutes. Seriously speaking, No fight or argument is considered serious unless these expletives are utilized with their core values. Keep fighting uttering "Sonofabitch" "Mother Fu%$#r" & not a single soul will bat an eyelid leave alone pulling you apart. We Indians hate to store it up, we need to vent it out & quickly. Thank god for these lovely expletives, many a stress related ailments are quickly cured by engaging in a fight once in a month. Jai Ho. Teri Ma Ki Aur Behan Ki Jai Ho.

Unike foreigners we believe in solid things. Things that have some weight or more DUM to be precise. Unlike them we don't drink to keep ourselves warm, hell no, we already perspire like a bhotia mountain dog who becomes a pet in plains 12 months in a year. We drink to get DRUNK in capital letters & then break a rib or two.Something solid. A "Train Derailed" news will invite blanks but a "Train Derailed, 349 killed" will grab some eyeballs. "Minister Sworn In" (Yawn..) "Minister Killed" (Oh Really!!!) " Minister Caught" (Yaw.....n) " Naxals Kill 86" (Uhh.. Huhh) " Young Woman Gang Raped" (WHEN.....? HOW....? WHERE....? WHO....?) In India an accident is not an accident if there is no casualty involved in it.

We are clean hearted people, we clean our homes & throw the garbage in the lawns of our envious neighbor who dutifully dumps it across the road & by the time the municipal corp guys come after a month, the entire locality becomes an expert in combating the most lethal gases ever used in modern warfare. Nothing is permanent in India, A bridge collapses after a couple of years (So does a government) A maverick chairman of a cricket council is replaced with a guy who can barely walk & that too with a little help from the thrust of his farts. Nowhere in the world but in India, a government pays you for (not) working for not more than 100 days in a year. Rest of days are mostly spent on Festivals, Sick/Casual Leaves, Bandhs, Riots, Birth/Death Anniversaries of leaders with whom 75% don't even relate to. & yet we are a growing nation. Surprise. Surprise.

People from all over the world say India is a mystic land. So true, most of the murders, rapes, kidnappings, bribery cases remain a mystery here. Leave alone a common man, even the murder culprits of VIP's are seldom caught. The state which was declared dry due to drought submerges 10 feet deep underwater the next year. Mystery. Indian automobiles continue to run despite of running on adulterated fuels & yet give the best of mileage in the world. Mystery again. The leaders who are caught with their pants down with few voluptuous women are again re elected to screw the entire nation after few years. Mystery again. Honest men are rejected, corrupt people are elected, trains continue to derail, outdated ships continue to sail, planes continue crashing, prices continue soaring.

Its no one but Pakistan who is behind all this. The bugger even stole our ISI mark & gave it to its Intelligence agency, its a clever ploy to market its brand name, so the next time a shopkeeper tries to smart sell you an ISI marked product, beware, he may be an agent of ISI. You may then quickly inform & call the cops & put that bugger in jail, collect a sum from the cops (for a change) & laugh all your way to the bank & sing "It Happens Only In India"

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